Friday, January 18, 2008

Plop

The polished
gravel orb
caused the limpid
mirrorlike
coating
to swirl
in an orbitular
flair
as it settled
to the nethermost
fathoms
of life

7 comments:

paisley said...

and what a fine attempt it is... it feels "slippery"... like it.....

susan said...

Hi deathsweep,

Just minor housekeeping here. You used one of the taboo words: radiate. :-)

Don't worry, Parker is far better at discussing strengths of a piece. Thanks for joining us at The Last Piaster. Looking forward to reading more.

deathsweep said...

Ahhhhhhhhhh Susan, thank you...I changed it but it's not the same.

susan said...

Hi deathsweep,

This has my head swirling. :-)

Do fret. It's about process not perfection. I strongly advocate revision so if you change this now or later, I encourage you to do what works for you.

tumblewords said...

Darn. I missed the pre-radiate poem. This one works just perfectly though. Nice image!

U.S. Parker said...

Your day job shines through in this exercise. Words like limp, fathom, orbital and nethermost give the poem and hence the imagery a decided slant. Even the title Plop has finality to it. I did stumbled a bit on the use of orb and orbital so close together. It’s not a mistake but perhaps a missed opportunity for more depth the first use of the word already places the descriptive nature of the second in the readers mind. Another word choice might have added more to the poem. Forgive my rambling I can rarely get away from a poem without getting wrapped up in word choice. Suffice to say I enjoyed the poem and the contemplation. Hope you give the next one a try.

U.P.

Sherry said...

I didn't see the original with the "taboo"!! :) But I liked the choice of gravel orb...I was going insane trying to think of a way to say "pebble"!!!!