The polished
gravel orb
caused the limpid
mirrorlike
coating
to swirl
in an orbitular
flair
as it settled
to the nethermost
fathoms
of life
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It's the smallest things in life that add to the wealth of our being. Millions of Pennies is all about the things that make us smile, the little things, the tiny stuff.
First off I'd like to welcome you to the lighter side of deathsweep, the non-pro side. I'm not all consumed with death but I am all consumed with life and happiness; so, I'm going to use this blog as a forum for my fiction and just plain fun. Hang around a while, relax, enjoy! Try to have as much fun as I think I will!
About Me
Brain fodder
Blog Archive
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2008
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January
(19)
- The Shrink, shrunk
- Sorrows, drowned
- Birds of Paradise
- A Cow, a pig and a lamb
- shoo!
- Circularity
- Thankfully gone
- Decisions, decisions, decisions....
- Stayin' alive
- Blue is the enemy
- Plop
- Mickeys Challenge
- Step Right Up!
- Erik Fish
- Old bequeaths New
- Drown me
- You reap what you sow
- Where's the remote?
- Every Other Weekend
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January
(19)
7 comments:
and what a fine attempt it is... it feels "slippery"... like it.....
Hi deathsweep,
Just minor housekeeping here. You used one of the taboo words: radiate. :-)
Don't worry, Parker is far better at discussing strengths of a piece. Thanks for joining us at The Last Piaster. Looking forward to reading more.
Ahhhhhhhhhh Susan, thank you...I changed it but it's not the same.
Hi deathsweep,
This has my head swirling. :-)
Do fret. It's about process not perfection. I strongly advocate revision so if you change this now or later, I encourage you to do what works for you.
Darn. I missed the pre-radiate poem. This one works just perfectly though. Nice image!
Your day job shines through in this exercise. Words like limp, fathom, orbital and nethermost give the poem and hence the imagery a decided slant. Even the title Plop has finality to it. I did stumbled a bit on the use of orb and orbital so close together. It’s not a mistake but perhaps a missed opportunity for more depth the first use of the word already places the descriptive nature of the second in the readers mind. Another word choice might have added more to the poem. Forgive my rambling I can rarely get away from a poem without getting wrapped up in word choice. Suffice to say I enjoyed the poem and the contemplation. Hope you give the next one a try.
U.P.
I didn't see the original with the "taboo"!! :) But I liked the choice of gravel orb...I was going insane trying to think of a way to say "pebble"!!!!
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