A woman who grew up quite poor
did never believe in grandeur
she tried not to compare
til she spied her first pair
And became a grand voyeur du jour

Misconstrooops!

A gal who was youngish yet gray,
washed up near the rocks one dark day,
nightly while she was fast asleep
her brain told her that she should leap
BUT not from the bridge that spanned the bay!

Just so I remember...

Life has been kind to me of late...I seem to have slipped out of an actual depression that I was in and am having an extremely good time with my life. I almost forgot what it was like to be in a relationship and I can tell you this, it's wonderful. I've been taking care of my health, meeting new people, going to places that I have fully enjoyed, I got to see my one and only beautiful niece get married to the man of her dreams and she looked so happy that day...that made me so happy for everyone involved and even happier that I was almost a representative (at least in my mind) for those who couldn't be there. You know, life is strange, sometimes it throws you a bunch of shit that you think you'll never get through and then out of the blue you also get smacked in the head with goodness. I've been finding that the crap is much easier to cope with when there's also some good going on simultaneously and hope that this current trend continues...I feel so at peace with myself and with what's going on around me. In no special order (don't anyone be offended), thank you Mary, Will, Liz, Jon, Christi, Patrick, Elyse, Karen, Ben, Pat, Lynsey, David, Jim, Naomi, Starr, John Pond, Janice, Cliff, Georgia, Stan, Bernie, Bill, Keith, Pete, Cynthia, Robert, Vinny, Joyce, Marie, Vicki, Jodi, Christie, Mikey B, Ang, Matthew, Richard, Andrew, Rosemary, Mom, Judy, Taffy, Glenda, Amelia, Josephine, Frank, John, Betty, Dad and to those that don't immediately come to mind who have helped me get here...I can once again smile and mean it.

Games or Life?

I find myself and my current life very interesting and somewhat humorous. I have always been known to be or at least have been thought of as being selfish to some degree and although I never would admit it, would actually defend that I wasn't, I now see just how much truth was involved; a lot. I guess I can use the excuse that over the last year and a half I've had to be selfish to survive, so that my puny little brain could heal itself but that wouldn't be the whole truth. Yes, sure, I had to watch over me and my dealings basically alone and in that respect I had no choice but to be selfish however I now realize how easy it was to be that way simply because I had a lot of experience. I'm not proud or even thankful that it came so easily, as a matter of fact I wish it hadn't, because knowing it was fairly easy means learning WHY it was so easy; get it?

There's no turning back the hands of time to try to erase the not so good that's happened in the past, I just need to try to correct today so that there isn't an encore tomorrow even though at times I wish I could simply call a "do over". Childhood games need to be revamped so that we're taught full accountability from the very beginning without the luxury or ability to make our own rules, or bend the existing ones to suit our purposes. Another excuse?

surrealism

How would you interpret this?

gimme' what I crave!

There's a fellow who loves his caffeine
his days can not begin or convene
till he feels that first volt
he sure loves the jolt
that he's been giving himself since thirteen!

close encounters

Did you ever do something out of sheer impulse and then merely minutes later wonder why you did it or how you could reverse it? I've done it on more than one occasion and thanks to good fortune (as well as a good knowledge of escape routes) I have been able to recover each time although it would have been much better if these instances had never happened. People including myself like to generalize similar actions as spontaneity when in fact the word "spontaneous" usually refers to something good and the actions I mention are the farthest from good that's imaginable; therefore being the farthest from spontaneous as imaginable as well...so...the next time I decide that I need to do, say or write something which seems questionable...and I do it with no regard to the feelings that it will cause someone else, that needs to be chalked up to being unfeeling, uncaring and down right stupid...not spontaneous. This post was neither spontaneous nor was it stupid, it was more on the lines of retrospection.

Nectar of the gods

No, I'm not as dead as I thought I was
In fact, I'm not dead at all
I was merely sleeping,
recovering

No, I'm not finished with my life too
In fact, I'm not even close
I was taking a breather,
resting

No, I'm not fully recovered just yet
In fact, at times I don't want
what I know I need,
revival

But whether I like it, want it, invite it or accept it, the current stage of my life can be likened to that of of a caterpillar going through metamorphosis. I've changed, both physically and mentally and it now feels as though it's time to break out of the cocoon that I so carefully wrapped around myself; the cocoon that may have appeared flimsy to some yet to me had the strength of the strongest leather.

As it starts to rip open, as it allows my newly grown wings to expand and warm in the sunshine that most call life, I'm beginning on my newest journey, perhaps my last, but certainly a new beginning with a guarantee that there's a great season ahead.

At 51, I definitely don't expect to double my age and live to 102 however I could have many years ahead that will be filled with new experiences and memories and these past 17 months will simply be one of them that I will no longer allow to govern my life. If you read this, and I mean you, yes you, I want to thank you for helping me rip open that leathery entrapment and making me aware that outside of the dark abode I've been living in is light, life. Thank you for helping me see the reason for this season!

Woof, Squeak, Snap!

The Dog, Mouse and Shark
Ate the Cat, Cheese and Diver
On their way to camp

Neo-Natal Life...again

Birth. I wonder how many times we as the inhabitants of this planet, the masters of our own universe, the beings that we see each morning in our bathroom mirrors are allowed to be a part of the awe inspiring feeling that Birth affords? If we're at all lucky, we'll get to be involved in a birth several times over the course of our lives. Of course "we" ourselves are born but what most times follows are children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and more; so if we're fortunate enough, we get to see this wonder occur over and over. All be it the birth of any one or thing is truly a wonderful, exhilarating occurrence, the re-birth of anything is an even more splendid, almost incomprehensible event.

By no means am I downgrading the creation of life itself or birth. By no means am I trying to express that the first movement of a child in their mothers womb is anything short of beautiful and miraculous; no, that's not my intent at all. However when a part of ones life is over, whatever loss it may be, even if well intentioned people tell you "life will somehow be better someday", "give it time", the dread and fear that this can instill is almost enough to bring you to your knees; until your mind allows you to begin waiting and hoping for a possible new beginning, a re-birth. So when that life inside of us seems to stir a bit, when we can once again feel movement within ourselves that is giving us the OK to proceed with our lives, now that is an utterly miraculous feeling!

You see, the nine months that it takes for a child to emerge from its mothers womb is ordinarily a joyous time. Yes I know, or have been told, that some times during a pregnancy could be very stressful and sometimes debilitating but in a measured amount of time a life will be brought into this world; there are at the very least expectations of joy. Whereas grief is not brought about by creation, no joyous expectations, no set time frames when it will be over, it hurts and could last for years. Many times during those years there is a feeling of absolutely no hope for a future of any kind. So as I said earlier, when the stirring begins inside of us, that's a true sign that we're on the road to re-birth!

I have a lot ahead of me right now, I don't know where or when but I will be "fully" re-born someday and I'm eagerly awaiting that time. So, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins and the like, give that new child all the love you have so that one day if a re-birth is in order, they can look back at their former lives and be proud of who they were, who helped them get there, and forge on anew...again!

A-lone-R

I never wanted it this way but circumstances seem to have literally forced me to become somewhat of a shut-in. Sure I go to work, I shop, I...well, that's really all I do outside of the house; and it's not that I have some rare neurosis that keeps me indoors, I just don't see the need, or feel the want, to do anything but nothing and I think it's slowly killing me, or at the very least, my spirit.

I can count on 2 fingers the number of times I've actually gone out with co-workers in the past year; literally twice. Another time to meet with a friend of Mary's, I've gone out to lunch twice with friends outside of work...that's it...so in total, I've gone out 5 times in a year. I've been to NJ three times to be with family and then of course there's my infamous trip to the west coast that turned into a bust. That, sadly, is the total extent of my life outside of working, shopping, outside of this house.

So, it's becoming apparent to me that I either need to change my ways and start finding things to do or I need to pack a bag that my family will be able to take to the funeral home when I'm found. Yes, I'm over exaggerating, but sometimes it really feels that way. It seems as if I go out of my way to turn people away; why the hell is that? Am I really an asshole in human form?

Anyway, Monday, the 15th, is one year since Mary died and perhaps I'm feeling a little sorry for myself; maybe that's what has spurred today's outburst. I've been in touch with a couple of widows who are in a similar place and it's good to be able to talk to someone who really knows how you feel; as well as how you no longer can feel. I absolutely love being alive, there's no doubt of that but I have to be honest, sometimes it feels like it would be so much easier to just die. But that's not something that I'm brave enough or hurting enough to do for myself - it would have to come naturally, but I swear it would be easier.

Just felt like writing today and I wish I was still able to do as I always did before I posted - "hey Mare, come check this out and tell me what you think before I send it" and of course she always complied and always made me feel good about whatever it was that I had written. So Mary, I can't call on you to proof this for me but I still can say this ones for you...I love you...Rob