Saturday, March 13, 2010
I never wanted it this way but circumstances seem to have literally forced me to become somewhat of a shut-in. Sure I go to work, I shop, I...well, that's really all I do outside of the house; and it's not that I have some rare neurosis that keeps me indoors, I just don't see the need, or feel the want, to do anything but nothing and I think it's slowly killing me, or at the very least, my spirit.
I can count on 2 fingers the number of times I've actually gone out with co-workers in the past year; literally twice. Another time to meet with a friend of Mary's, I've gone out to lunch twice with friends outside of work...that's it...so in total, I've gone out 5 times in a year. I've been to NJ three times to be with family and then of course there's my infamous trip to the west coast that turned into a bust. That, sadly, is the total extent of my life outside of working, shopping, outside of this house.
So, it's becoming apparent to me that I either need to change my ways and start finding things to do or I need to pack a bag that my family will be able to take to the funeral home when I'm found. Yes, I'm over exaggerating, but sometimes it really feels that way. It seems as if I go out of my way to turn people away; why the hell is that? Am I really an asshole in human form?
Anyway, Monday, the 15th, is one year since Mary died and perhaps I'm feeling a little sorry for myself; maybe that's what has spurred today's outburst. I've been in touch with a couple of widows who are in a similar place and it's good to be able to talk to someone who really knows how you feel; as well as how you no longer can feel. I absolutely love being alive, there's no doubt of that but I have to be honest, sometimes it feels like it would be so much easier to just die. But that's not something that I'm brave enough or hurting enough to do for myself - it would have to come naturally, but I swear it would be easier.
Just felt like writing today and I wish I was still able to do as I always did before I posted - "hey Mare, come check this out and tell me what you think before I send it" and of course she always complied and always made me feel good about whatever it was that I had written. So Mary, I can't call on you to proof this for me but I still can say this ones for you...I love you...Rob