please wait...I'm coming

Early morning was our time

together we'd watch the dawn unfold
note each new flower that had grown
discussing at length what the day would bring

Wrapped up in each others life
where we would go, what we would do
who we would see, thinking only today
not even a thought of doing anything alone

There were times we had spoken of
how hard it would be without the other
yet that was a time that was far, far away
neither of us knew it would come so soon

What was more important at those times
was knowing that someday we would never be apart
when work would be through for us both at one time
and together forever would finally be here

It hasn't changed that much for me
I'm still waiting for that day to arrive
when we can again be together
wherever it may be.

Sunshine is realative

The sunniest days are sometimes the darkest

depending upon where my head awakens each morning

The locale and the weather mean nothing at all

since I've begun to carry the storm inside of me

Memories spin as rampant as an out of control child's top

occasionally crashing into an unforeseen barrier

Causing the gashes that have begun to scab over

to once again ooze hurt, regret, fear and self pity

I know what causes each and every moment of distress

yet for some reason I cannot turn away from the wreck

Like a moth that is attracted to the flame that will sear it

I find I'm attracted to the thoughts that will burn me as well

I want to remember and want to forget all at one time

but for some reason my brain keeps undermining my wants

Seemingly preventing me from forward movement

constantly knocking me back to where it thinks I should be

I know I can't push it but each day without her feels empty

as if the core of my body is gone; has just withered away

I'm sure that some day I will once again find happiness

once I start beginning to feel and do and be me...just me

Pleasure in a box

When I was a child I can remember my brother and I always waiting with the greatest anticipation to open Uncle Bob's christmas presents every year. I guess my sister did as well but it seemed as if we would get the most extraordinary toys you could imagine; toys that no other child we knew had, toys that appeared as if they were manufactured just for us.

Of course we got other toys, boatloads actually, along with all of the other gifts, you know, clothes, essentials, things that we held up to show everyone and smiled at. See, we were the only three children in a family of 9 adults so I guess we were somewhat spoiled. But let me get back to Uncle Bob's toys. They were amazing! I remember one year he gave us a Ferris Wheel that had to be four feet tall and actually worked! Lights flashed, music played, it rotated with people in the cars, it made you feel as if you were at a carnival! It wasn't so much that it was a very stimulating toy but it was something we had never seen, never imagined as a toy. When I look back at it now, if it were given to me today, it would probably be very boring, but not then, then it was really special and it made us feel that way too!

Through the years he gave us many different things similar to the Ferris Wheel meaning that they were all unique. They either flew or we could drive them or play them as in instruments; they were all great. It always seemed odd though that Uncle Bob's toys seemed to disappear a short time after christmas was over. When I say disappear I mean that they were "put away"; whether for safekeeping or because they were bothersome I'm not sure. It's funny though, when we got older and helped in cleaning out the house they were nowhere to be found. Maybe he returned them??? I doubt it but it would have been nice to come across them as adults.

Since that time all of those nine people are gone, the toys are gone, chances are even the stores where they were bought are gone but the memories that they imparted on us will be with us forever. It's funny how one small word, "toys", can open a floodgate of memories no matter where the toys now reside!

I wish, I wish, I wish

Fathers day came and went last year without you and I was almost glad you weren't there; you had been in so much pain that knowing you were over it made me glad. Sunday is another Fathers day and I feel entirely different. This time I wish you were here with me, no matter what shape you would be in. I know it's for selfish reasons but I still can't help but wish I had you back to talk to, to be with, to put my arms around, to cry with, to feel another person feel me. I miss you Dad....




.

death to life

I know that it's nature, yet can't help but swear
The flowers keep blooming
The birds keep on singing
I know that it's nature that just seems so unfair

Like you never existed, or mattered at all
The world keeps on turning
The stars still do twinkle
Like you never existed, can you fathom the gall

Would it change anything, if everything ceased
If the rain never fell
Or the tide just stood still
Would it change anything, no, not in the least

But what does need to change, is the way that I feel
Begin to be grateful
Start thinking of me
Yes what needs to be changed, is finding some zeal

What I need to accept, is my life has been altered
Not over at all
Still can be on track
What I'm beginning to see, is my life's not absurd

Although I can't help but dwell on what's be taken away
Feeling alone, left behind
I know I have to keep living
Life would have been easier, if you could have stayed

We're born, we laugh, we cry, we die -
god damned nature - we can't live or die without it.

...connected

This weeks topic is something more than just a blog topic for me. I'm sure people are getting tired of my moaning and groaning about the same thing over and over but for some reason while I'm doing the moaning I somehow feel a little better; so, either read what I have to write or not because I have a feeling that I am going to be writing about very similar topics for some time. This particular one "Soul Mate" is very dear to me right now.
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I've heard that term used many times over many years and never really understood what the meaning was other than it was a pair of people who belonged together. That was my definition.

Quite recently I have spoken to 3 different psychics looking for answers and was told by one of them that I in fact had a soul mate although we were not physically together at the moment. The way that it was described to me was that every soul has a mate somewhere and it is indeed rare when those two souls meet in the physical, and know it, which should be cherished if in fact it happens. The "soul" mates never part and no matter if one of them is inhabiting a live person and the other is not they are still together. One of the two waits for the other to pass over and then the two of them are again somehow joined in life. It may not be the same relationship you once had, it could be mother and child, friends, spouses, but more than mere acquaintances. In my current situation I chose to like and accept that definition in hopes of one day being with my soul mate again.
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Think of that one person who loves or loved you more than life itself, probably even more than you love yourself and it could be very possible that person is your soul mate. Chances are there is or was a very strong bond that is almost unexplainable, you know or knew each other better than anyone else could even imagine to, again this is probably your soul mate. All of our lives we search for that perfect person, the one that fits like a glove, and whether or not we have yet to find them they are there somewhere. One theory is that there are many dimensions and we all live within each of them simultaneously with varying things occurring also at the same time. So this particular dimension may not be the one where you are currently with your soul mate but somewhere in some dimension you are. Wouldn't that be nice to know as fact? The following link is attached to a similar theory of sorts and is very long http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x65e9f_the-reality-as-you-know-it-does-not_tech but if you get the time to listen to it there may be additional insight.
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Bottom line is yes, I do believe in soul mates and hope to one day be with mine again. Perhaps, I will get to meet my soul mate again here on earth...who knows...theories are just that, theories, and until (if and when) they are proven they can differ slightly or immensely so adding your own special spin on it isn't going to hurt anyone or thing. As crazy as this may all sound to some of you, this is what I now choose to believe.

Simply....nothing

If it wasn't said
before, what now can I say
to fix the future

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Gilbert O'Sullivan - Alone Again (Naturally) #4

alone, but not alone at being alone

Bitter ending

She looms in my mind; she hovers

my thoughts completely aromatized

I remember the days; us lovers

as one we seemed to be optimized

A duo is oh so efficient

at nursing the needs of each other

In time you become so proficient

there is never a need for another

But break the pair and you'll find

alone just tastes acidophilous

With beings no longer combined

each second in time feels so treacherous

Ocean of Tears

As I sit on the edge of this king
and peruse the room; too familiar
emotional waves lap at my soul
like flames licking my tender skin

I think I can endure these days
as long as I keep the curtains drawn
preventing the view of the sea
from flooding my already drenched mind

Not sure if I belong here tonight
but then where DO I now fit in
is a thought that keeps nagging at me
causing false expectations of the future

My brain suddenly feeling swollen
with 30 odd years of processed thoughts
all colliding with one another at once
my head throbbing is all that I feel

I need to go and eat..........................

Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On - Titanic Theme - High Quality

Old I know but this knocked me on my ass today.

Heal me!

Ahhhh healing, what a sweet ring that has to it. They say the body begins to heal when it becomes strong enough to overcome the power of the injury and regeneration or growth begins once again. In most cases, this process can be accomplished with the help of some outside influence whether it be from a doctor or just the application of some over the counter salve or remedy. At times the body heals by itself, like that annoying canker sore that mysteriously disappears when you least expect it or when you wake up and suddenly realize that the muscle ache you've had for a week is simply no longer there.

You can research and find many venues that give you approximate time frames in which various ailments are projected to heal; it's good to be able to track your progress based on these time lines. Knowing that a scab has formed tells you that you are well on the way to recovery and that in and of itself makes you somehow feel better. In this instance we are usually cautious to be sure that we don't inadvertently re-injure the site and sort of allow it to heal thereby making us one, once again.

Then of course there is the wound that we can try to assist in its healing, try to keep from starting anew but nonetheless no matter how hard we try to medicate and protect it we have no control over it. I'm finding that the hardest thing to heal is the mind. We supposedly have more control over our own minds than anyone or thing combined and yet there are certain times when no matter how desperate we are to heal our minds they seem to run amok tossing salt into gaping wounds causing continued pain and anguish. Wouldn't it be nice if there was something on the lines of Neosporin or some type of antiseptic that we could either ingest or apply that would assist in healing our heads?

What's even odder than not being able to heal our minds is the reaction our bodies have when our mind is in pain. Physical pain can also accompany pain in the brain and it seems when the physical pain is in fact caused by our minds pain there too is no way to heal that either. I guess there must be soothing techniques which can be used to ease the minds pain but until now, at least for me, they don't seem to be too reliable. So, as I first said, ahhh healing, it has such a sweet ring to it and right now I could use lots of sweet rings.