I wish I could click my heels.....

Today, September 11th, 2008 marks the anniversary of that fateful day when the mighty World Trade Center was destroyed; when many lives and families were ripped apart and destroyed right here in our country. No one that was affected by this catastrophic event knew that mornings events would drastically alter their life, if not end it, and I'm sure that there are many that have yet to get over the havoc of that day; no one was prepared. Now, when I say prepared, I know this means a myriad of different things to a multitude of different people but I have to wonder if anyone can ever be truly ready to be eradicated from this world. Sure, there are many that are in pain that are waiting, hoping, some praying for their last day to come so that it will be over for them but the majority, I would have to imagine, feel that the days that they have had so far are not yet enough. They want more, they want to see tomorrow, they want a million different things that they don't yet have, they're not satisfied, they're not prepared to depart; "I" am not prepared.

It has been preached to me on many occasions that the acceptance of a supreme being as my saviour, taking this being into my heart and having blind faith in their existence will guarantee me a place in heaven; Nirvana. Once I truly, and I mean truly, blindly accept this "concept" as fact, I should have no fears of death at all because I will be better off than I am here on earth. I will once again see all of my loved ones who have died before me, none of them will be suffering, all will be whole and in the best of condition, I will never again suffer, there will be mansions, the streets will be paved with gold, there will be no more strife at all. Now, I don't know about you but this sounds idyllic to me, sounds like something that every rational human being should strive for, sounds like something that I definitely want for myself and for others...yet...as easy as all this sounds, as much as I would like to believe that it is indeed fact, why, tell me, why is it so damned hard to accept?

Why? Well, one reason is today's anniversary and many of the other reasons are simple one word answers. A handful of these single words are, war, rape, murder, hatred, poor, sick, cancer, disease, violence, animosity, just to name a few. Now the kicker, the explanation for these cute little words is " a test ", " trials and tribulations ". My response to this is simply, bullshit. I don't see how anyone or thing can show someone that they're loved, show them that they will always be there for them, show them that they are their salvation by constantly kicking them in the teeth; knocking them to the ground and kicking them back down each time they try to arise. Let's talk reality here, if a man or a woman were to consistently cheat on their spouse, if either were to constantly disappoint the other by doing adverse things, or better yet just sit by and allow adverse things to happen without as much as an attempt to stop them from occurring, how long do you think it would take before either stopped believing in their union? If any human were to hurt another over and over and over how long do you think it would take before the one that was hurt said "fuck it" and walked; stopped believing?

As I turn 50 I have to admit that there have been many, many good things that I have witnessed, many things that still leave me in awe and it's difficult to think that all of the good things were simply happenstance. Life in and of itself is amazing, flowers, the universe, a sunrise and sunset all miraculous yet that beautiful sunrise is no doubt approaching us after it leaves a war stricken country where death by violence is not shocking to anyone. The birth of a child is just mind boggling however so is the torturous life of someone who has been suffering with an illness for years. How? Why?? Is "because" enough of an answer???

I wish I had it in me to be able to blame a single entity, satan, for all of the bad and thank a single ever powerful entity, god, for all the good and just leave it at that but unfortunately I don't think I've yet to reach that plateau in my life. The worst part is that it's not that I don't want to believe, it's that for some reason within me I just can't. Perhaps if I were illiterate and completely uneducated it would be easier for me, I don't know. Perhaps if I were blind to all of the evil and vileness that this life has to offer all of us it would be simpler, or maybe, just maybe, I'm making it harder for myself...but...my beliefs or lack of do not control what goes on across the world, across the country let alone across the street. All I can honestly say is that I try my best to be a moral, upright, human being who helps all those I can and my actions, not those of others, are what allow me to continue with my meager life. Maybe I'll wake up some day with different views, that would be nice I think, but until that day I have to just hope that all of us that are hurt somehow can find peace or at least be "prepared".