Games or Life?

I find myself and my current life very interesting and somewhat humorous. I have always been known to be or at least have been thought of as being selfish to some degree and although I never would admit it, would actually defend that I wasn't, I now see just how much truth was involved; a lot. I guess I can use the excuse that over the last year and a half I've had to be selfish to survive, so that my puny little brain could heal itself but that wouldn't be the whole truth. Yes, sure, I had to watch over me and my dealings basically alone and in that respect I had no choice but to be selfish however I now realize how easy it was to be that way simply because I had a lot of experience. I'm not proud or even thankful that it came so easily, as a matter of fact I wish it hadn't, because knowing it was fairly easy means learning WHY it was so easy; get it?

There's no turning back the hands of time to try to erase the not so good that's happened in the past, I just need to try to correct today so that there isn't an encore tomorrow even though at times I wish I could simply call a "do over". Childhood games need to be revamped so that we're taught full accountability from the very beginning without the luxury or ability to make our own rules, or bend the existing ones to suit our purposes. Another excuse?

Neo-Natal Life...again

Birth. I wonder how many times we as the inhabitants of this planet, the masters of our own universe, the beings that we see each morning in our bathroom mirrors are allowed to be a part of the awe inspiring feeling that Birth affords? If we're at all lucky, we'll get to be involved in a birth several times over the course of our lives. Of course "we" ourselves are born but what most times follows are children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and more; so if we're fortunate enough, we get to see this wonder occur over and over. All be it the birth of any one or thing is truly a wonderful, exhilarating occurrence, the re-birth of anything is an even more splendid, almost incomprehensible event.

By no means am I downgrading the creation of life itself or birth. By no means am I trying to express that the first movement of a child in their mothers womb is anything short of beautiful and miraculous; no, that's not my intent at all. However when a part of ones life is over, whatever loss it may be, even if well intentioned people tell you "life will somehow be better someday", "give it time", the dread and fear that this can instill is almost enough to bring you to your knees; until your mind allows you to begin waiting and hoping for a possible new beginning, a re-birth. So when that life inside of us seems to stir a bit, when we can once again feel movement within ourselves that is giving us the OK to proceed with our lives, now that is an utterly miraculous feeling!

You see, the nine months that it takes for a child to emerge from its mothers womb is ordinarily a joyous time. Yes I know, or have been told, that some times during a pregnancy could be very stressful and sometimes debilitating but in a measured amount of time a life will be brought into this world; there are at the very least expectations of joy. Whereas grief is not brought about by creation, no joyous expectations, no set time frames when it will be over, it hurts and could last for years. Many times during those years there is a feeling of absolutely no hope for a future of any kind. So as I said earlier, when the stirring begins inside of us, that's a true sign that we're on the road to re-birth!

I have a lot ahead of me right now, I don't know where or when but I will be "fully" re-born someday and I'm eagerly awaiting that time. So, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins and the like, give that new child all the love you have so that one day if a re-birth is in order, they can look back at their former lives and be proud of who they were, who helped them get there, and forge on anew...again!

A-lone-R

I never wanted it this way but circumstances seem to have literally forced me to become somewhat of a shut-in. Sure I go to work, I shop, I...well, that's really all I do outside of the house; and it's not that I have some rare neurosis that keeps me indoors, I just don't see the need, or feel the want, to do anything but nothing and I think it's slowly killing me, or at the very least, my spirit.

I can count on 2 fingers the number of times I've actually gone out with co-workers in the past year; literally twice. Another time to meet with a friend of Mary's, I've gone out to lunch twice with friends outside of work...that's it...so in total, I've gone out 5 times in a year. I've been to NJ three times to be with family and then of course there's my infamous trip to the west coast that turned into a bust. That, sadly, is the total extent of my life outside of working, shopping, outside of this house.

So, it's becoming apparent to me that I either need to change my ways and start finding things to do or I need to pack a bag that my family will be able to take to the funeral home when I'm found. Yes, I'm over exaggerating, but sometimes it really feels that way. It seems as if I go out of my way to turn people away; why the hell is that? Am I really an asshole in human form?

Anyway, Monday, the 15th, is one year since Mary died and perhaps I'm feeling a little sorry for myself; maybe that's what has spurred today's outburst. I've been in touch with a couple of widows who are in a similar place and it's good to be able to talk to someone who really knows how you feel; as well as how you no longer can feel. I absolutely love being alive, there's no doubt of that but I have to be honest, sometimes it feels like it would be so much easier to just die. But that's not something that I'm brave enough or hurting enough to do for myself - it would have to come naturally, but I swear it would be easier.

Just felt like writing today and I wish I was still able to do as I always did before I posted - "hey Mare, come check this out and tell me what you think before I send it" and of course she always complied and always made me feel good about whatever it was that I had written. So Mary, I can't call on you to proof this for me but I still can say this ones for you...I love you...Rob

death to life

I know that it's nature, yet can't help but swear
The flowers keep blooming
The birds keep on singing
I know that it's nature that just seems so unfair

Like you never existed, or mattered at all
The world keeps on turning
The stars still do twinkle
Like you never existed, can you fathom the gall

Would it change anything, if everything ceased
If the rain never fell
Or the tide just stood still
Would it change anything, no, not in the least

But what does need to change, is the way that I feel
Begin to be grateful
Start thinking of me
Yes what needs to be changed, is finding some zeal

What I need to accept, is my life has been altered
Not over at all
Still can be on track
What I'm beginning to see, is my life's not absurd

Although I can't help but dwell on what's be taken away
Feeling alone, left behind
I know I have to keep living
Life would have been easier, if you could have stayed

We're born, we laugh, we cry, we die -
god damned nature - we can't live or die without it.

...connected

This weeks topic is something more than just a blog topic for me. I'm sure people are getting tired of my moaning and groaning about the same thing over and over but for some reason while I'm doing the moaning I somehow feel a little better; so, either read what I have to write or not because I have a feeling that I am going to be writing about very similar topics for some time. This particular one "Soul Mate" is very dear to me right now.
.

I've heard that term used many times over many years and never really understood what the meaning was other than it was a pair of people who belonged together. That was my definition.

Quite recently I have spoken to 3 different psychics looking for answers and was told by one of them that I in fact had a soul mate although we were not physically together at the moment. The way that it was described to me was that every soul has a mate somewhere and it is indeed rare when those two souls meet in the physical, and know it, which should be cherished if in fact it happens. The "soul" mates never part and no matter if one of them is inhabiting a live person and the other is not they are still together. One of the two waits for the other to pass over and then the two of them are again somehow joined in life. It may not be the same relationship you once had, it could be mother and child, friends, spouses, but more than mere acquaintances. In my current situation I chose to like and accept that definition in hopes of one day being with my soul mate again.
.

Think of that one person who loves or loved you more than life itself, probably even more than you love yourself and it could be very possible that person is your soul mate. Chances are there is or was a very strong bond that is almost unexplainable, you know or knew each other better than anyone else could even imagine to, again this is probably your soul mate. All of our lives we search for that perfect person, the one that fits like a glove, and whether or not we have yet to find them they are there somewhere. One theory is that there are many dimensions and we all live within each of them simultaneously with varying things occurring also at the same time. So this particular dimension may not be the one where you are currently with your soul mate but somewhere in some dimension you are. Wouldn't that be nice to know as fact? The following link is attached to a similar theory of sorts and is very long http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x65e9f_the-reality-as-you-know-it-does-not_tech but if you get the time to listen to it there may be additional insight.
.

Bottom line is yes, I do believe in soul mates and hope to one day be with mine again. Perhaps, I will get to meet my soul mate again here on earth...who knows...theories are just that, theories, and until (if and when) they are proven they can differ slightly or immensely so adding your own special spin on it isn't going to hurt anyone or thing. As crazy as this may all sound to some of you, this is what I now choose to believe.

"Life" is not a given

If the warmth of yesterdays sun was the last you'd ever feel
and the laughter of that small child was the last you'd hear
would you not have savored them more than you did?
.

If those Tulips from last spring were the last you'd ever see
and the last kiss you had was indeed your last kiss
would it not have been wise to ditch the blase indifference?
.

Each day, each taste, each emotion could be our last
and we sometimes act as if life will never run out;
as if the parade will never end until we are ready.
.

Life rarely runs like the classic movie we've seen over and over
where the beginning, middle and end are known but
more like a first run mystery that keeps us on the edge of our seats.
.

With twists and turns that sometimes haunt us yet
we can not allow these snags to dictate how we live today
because today may be all that's left; the finale unbeknownst to us
.

So we must laugh harder, smile wider and dance longer
and learn that there can be beauty and love in every body and thing
despite the fact that they too will die alongside of us sometime.

I wish I could click my heels.....

Today, September 11th, 2008 marks the anniversary of that fateful day when the mighty World Trade Center was destroyed; when many lives and families were ripped apart and destroyed right here in our country. No one that was affected by this catastrophic event knew that mornings events would drastically alter their life, if not end it, and I'm sure that there are many that have yet to get over the havoc of that day; no one was prepared. Now, when I say prepared, I know this means a myriad of different things to a multitude of different people but I have to wonder if anyone can ever be truly ready to be eradicated from this world. Sure, there are many that are in pain that are waiting, hoping, some praying for their last day to come so that it will be over for them but the majority, I would have to imagine, feel that the days that they have had so far are not yet enough. They want more, they want to see tomorrow, they want a million different things that they don't yet have, they're not satisfied, they're not prepared to depart; "I" am not prepared.

It has been preached to me on many occasions that the acceptance of a supreme being as my saviour, taking this being into my heart and having blind faith in their existence will guarantee me a place in heaven; Nirvana. Once I truly, and I mean truly, blindly accept this "concept" as fact, I should have no fears of death at all because I will be better off than I am here on earth. I will once again see all of my loved ones who have died before me, none of them will be suffering, all will be whole and in the best of condition, I will never again suffer, there will be mansions, the streets will be paved with gold, there will be no more strife at all. Now, I don't know about you but this sounds idyllic to me, sounds like something that every rational human being should strive for, sounds like something that I definitely want for myself and for others...yet...as easy as all this sounds, as much as I would like to believe that it is indeed fact, why, tell me, why is it so damned hard to accept?

Why? Well, one reason is today's anniversary and many of the other reasons are simple one word answers. A handful of these single words are, war, rape, murder, hatred, poor, sick, cancer, disease, violence, animosity, just to name a few. Now the kicker, the explanation for these cute little words is " a test ", " trials and tribulations ". My response to this is simply, bullshit. I don't see how anyone or thing can show someone that they're loved, show them that they will always be there for them, show them that they are their salvation by constantly kicking them in the teeth; knocking them to the ground and kicking them back down each time they try to arise. Let's talk reality here, if a man or a woman were to consistently cheat on their spouse, if either were to constantly disappoint the other by doing adverse things, or better yet just sit by and allow adverse things to happen without as much as an attempt to stop them from occurring, how long do you think it would take before either stopped believing in their union? If any human were to hurt another over and over and over how long do you think it would take before the one that was hurt said "fuck it" and walked; stopped believing?

As I turn 50 I have to admit that there have been many, many good things that I have witnessed, many things that still leave me in awe and it's difficult to think that all of the good things were simply happenstance. Life in and of itself is amazing, flowers, the universe, a sunrise and sunset all miraculous yet that beautiful sunrise is no doubt approaching us after it leaves a war stricken country where death by violence is not shocking to anyone. The birth of a child is just mind boggling however so is the torturous life of someone who has been suffering with an illness for years. How? Why?? Is "because" enough of an answer???

I wish I had it in me to be able to blame a single entity, satan, for all of the bad and thank a single ever powerful entity, god, for all the good and just leave it at that but unfortunately I don't think I've yet to reach that plateau in my life. The worst part is that it's not that I don't want to believe, it's that for some reason within me I just can't. Perhaps if I were illiterate and completely uneducated it would be easier for me, I don't know. Perhaps if I were blind to all of the evil and vileness that this life has to offer all of us it would be simpler, or maybe, just maybe, I'm making it harder for myself...but...my beliefs or lack of do not control what goes on across the world, across the country let alone across the street. All I can honestly say is that I try my best to be a moral, upright, human being who helps all those I can and my actions, not those of others, are what allow me to continue with my meager life. Maybe I'll wake up some day with different views, that would be nice I think, but until that day I have to just hope that all of us that are hurt somehow can find peace or at least be "prepared".

Dads Departure

I did not provoke
the punch to my heart
nor did I expect
the emptiness; the cleft
.

Like a T-Shirt snagged
on a roses thorn
when finally released
a gaping hole was left
.

Though you were hurting
and I knew you would go
I never did think
I'd feel such a loss
.

I try to remember
all that you went through
you thought I was burdened
yet were never my cross
.

Early that morning
I was wakened from sleep
and knew that the call
could be nothing but bad
.

In the short time it took
to jump out of bed
and run to the phone
I was already sad

.

They all say you're better
no longer in pain
I wish I could see it
as beautiful travel
.

The last memories I have
are of you in that bed
staring at nothing
my fear you'd unravel
.

I'm sure I should heed
the words that I spout
to those that I counsel
it just seems so rough
.

I know you are painless
that's great but I know
your last endless days
like sinew were tough
.

I guess it will take time
for the horror to subside
when memories turn nice
I knew that it would
.

I must remind myself
minute by minute
that although the pain has shifted
for you, "it's all good"

.

.

Thank you for all the love you've freely given to me, for all the times you've held me when I was in pain, for just being my father...I will miss you dad.