Games or Life?

I find myself and my current life very interesting and somewhat humorous. I have always been known to be or at least have been thought of as being selfish to some degree and although I never would admit it, would actually defend that I wasn't, I now see just how much truth was involved; a lot. I guess I can use the excuse that over the last year and a half I've had to be selfish to survive, so that my puny little brain could heal itself but that wouldn't be the whole truth. Yes, sure, I had to watch over me and my dealings basically alone and in that respect I had no choice but to be selfish however I now realize how easy it was to be that way simply because I had a lot of experience. I'm not proud or even thankful that it came so easily, as a matter of fact I wish it hadn't, because knowing it was fairly easy means learning WHY it was so easy; get it?

There's no turning back the hands of time to try to erase the not so good that's happened in the past, I just need to try to correct today so that there isn't an encore tomorrow even though at times I wish I could simply call a "do over". Childhood games need to be revamped so that we're taught full accountability from the very beginning without the luxury or ability to make our own rules, or bend the existing ones to suit our purposes. Another excuse?

Neo-Natal Life...again

Birth. I wonder how many times we as the inhabitants of this planet, the masters of our own universe, the beings that we see each morning in our bathroom mirrors are allowed to be a part of the awe inspiring feeling that Birth affords? If we're at all lucky, we'll get to be involved in a birth several times over the course of our lives. Of course "we" ourselves are born but what most times follows are children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and more; so if we're fortunate enough, we get to see this wonder occur over and over. All be it the birth of any one or thing is truly a wonderful, exhilarating occurrence, the re-birth of anything is an even more splendid, almost incomprehensible event.

By no means am I downgrading the creation of life itself or birth. By no means am I trying to express that the first movement of a child in their mothers womb is anything short of beautiful and miraculous; no, that's not my intent at all. However when a part of ones life is over, whatever loss it may be, even if well intentioned people tell you "life will somehow be better someday", "give it time", the dread and fear that this can instill is almost enough to bring you to your knees; until your mind allows you to begin waiting and hoping for a possible new beginning, a re-birth. So when that life inside of us seems to stir a bit, when we can once again feel movement within ourselves that is giving us the OK to proceed with our lives, now that is an utterly miraculous feeling!

You see, the nine months that it takes for a child to emerge from its mothers womb is ordinarily a joyous time. Yes I know, or have been told, that some times during a pregnancy could be very stressful and sometimes debilitating but in a measured amount of time a life will be brought into this world; there are at the very least expectations of joy. Whereas grief is not brought about by creation, no joyous expectations, no set time frames when it will be over, it hurts and could last for years. Many times during those years there is a feeling of absolutely no hope for a future of any kind. So as I said earlier, when the stirring begins inside of us, that's a true sign that we're on the road to re-birth!

I have a lot ahead of me right now, I don't know where or when but I will be "fully" re-born someday and I'm eagerly awaiting that time. So, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins and the like, give that new child all the love you have so that one day if a re-birth is in order, they can look back at their former lives and be proud of who they were, who helped them get there, and forge on anew...again!

Blue is the enemy

Earthly pleasures faded years past
time no more than a jail
allowing thoughts of fleeting sanity
to graze by hourly
telling you of the impossible recovery

Momentarily remembering lost youth
the days taken for granted
a collage of sorrowful misfortunes too
laid out before your mind
wishing for the movie to end

Ears ringing louder with each breath
mask the beeping machines
your tired eyes want to forever close
begging to forget your world
now is not the time to place blame

Across the room you vaguely see

a team responding to the code

paddles banging as you whimper
leave him be he's better off
they know not the pain he's bore

The last attempt, the time is called
he's no longer of this plane
the only feeling that you have
is jealousy for the lucky man
it should have been your flat line