Games or Life?

I find myself and my current life very interesting and somewhat humorous. I have always been known to be or at least have been thought of as being selfish to some degree and although I never would admit it, would actually defend that I wasn't, I now see just how much truth was involved; a lot. I guess I can use the excuse that over the last year and a half I've had to be selfish to survive, so that my puny little brain could heal itself but that wouldn't be the whole truth. Yes, sure, I had to watch over me and my dealings basically alone and in that respect I had no choice but to be selfish however I now realize how easy it was to be that way simply because I had a lot of experience. I'm not proud or even thankful that it came so easily, as a matter of fact I wish it hadn't, because knowing it was fairly easy means learning WHY it was so easy; get it?

There's no turning back the hands of time to try to erase the not so good that's happened in the past, I just need to try to correct today so that there isn't an encore tomorrow even though at times I wish I could simply call a "do over". Childhood games need to be revamped so that we're taught full accountability from the very beginning without the luxury or ability to make our own rules, or bend the existing ones to suit our purposes. Another excuse?

A-lone-R

I never wanted it this way but circumstances seem to have literally forced me to become somewhat of a shut-in. Sure I go to work, I shop, I...well, that's really all I do outside of the house; and it's not that I have some rare neurosis that keeps me indoors, I just don't see the need, or feel the want, to do anything but nothing and I think it's slowly killing me, or at the very least, my spirit.

I can count on 2 fingers the number of times I've actually gone out with co-workers in the past year; literally twice. Another time to meet with a friend of Mary's, I've gone out to lunch twice with friends outside of work...that's it...so in total, I've gone out 5 times in a year. I've been to NJ three times to be with family and then of course there's my infamous trip to the west coast that turned into a bust. That, sadly, is the total extent of my life outside of working, shopping, outside of this house.

So, it's becoming apparent to me that I either need to change my ways and start finding things to do or I need to pack a bag that my family will be able to take to the funeral home when I'm found. Yes, I'm over exaggerating, but sometimes it really feels that way. It seems as if I go out of my way to turn people away; why the hell is that? Am I really an asshole in human form?

Anyway, Monday, the 15th, is one year since Mary died and perhaps I'm feeling a little sorry for myself; maybe that's what has spurred today's outburst. I've been in touch with a couple of widows who are in a similar place and it's good to be able to talk to someone who really knows how you feel; as well as how you no longer can feel. I absolutely love being alive, there's no doubt of that but I have to be honest, sometimes it feels like it would be so much easier to just die. But that's not something that I'm brave enough or hurting enough to do for myself - it would have to come naturally, but I swear it would be easier.

Just felt like writing today and I wish I was still able to do as I always did before I posted - "hey Mare, come check this out and tell me what you think before I send it" and of course she always complied and always made me feel good about whatever it was that I had written. So Mary, I can't call on you to proof this for me but I still can say this ones for you...I love you...Rob

"Life" is not a given

If the warmth of yesterdays sun was the last you'd ever feel
and the laughter of that small child was the last you'd hear
would you not have savored them more than you did?
.

If those Tulips from last spring were the last you'd ever see
and the last kiss you had was indeed your last kiss
would it not have been wise to ditch the blase indifference?
.

Each day, each taste, each emotion could be our last
and we sometimes act as if life will never run out;
as if the parade will never end until we are ready.
.

Life rarely runs like the classic movie we've seen over and over
where the beginning, middle and end are known but
more like a first run mystery that keeps us on the edge of our seats.
.

With twists and turns that sometimes haunt us yet
we can not allow these snags to dictate how we live today
because today may be all that's left; the finale unbeknownst to us
.

So we must laugh harder, smile wider and dance longer
and learn that there can be beauty and love in every body and thing
despite the fact that they too will die alongside of us sometime.

Dads Departure

I did not provoke
the punch to my heart
nor did I expect
the emptiness; the cleft
.

Like a T-Shirt snagged
on a roses thorn
when finally released
a gaping hole was left
.

Though you were hurting
and I knew you would go
I never did think
I'd feel such a loss
.

I try to remember
all that you went through
you thought I was burdened
yet were never my cross
.

Early that morning
I was wakened from sleep
and knew that the call
could be nothing but bad
.

In the short time it took
to jump out of bed
and run to the phone
I was already sad

.

They all say you're better
no longer in pain
I wish I could see it
as beautiful travel
.

The last memories I have
are of you in that bed
staring at nothing
my fear you'd unravel
.

I'm sure I should heed
the words that I spout
to those that I counsel
it just seems so rough
.

I know you are painless
that's great but I know
your last endless days
like sinew were tough
.

I guess it will take time
for the horror to subside
when memories turn nice
I knew that it would
.

I must remind myself
minute by minute
that although the pain has shifted
for you, "it's all good"

.

.

Thank you for all the love you've freely given to me, for all the times you've held me when I was in pain, for just being my father...I will miss you dad.

Born a travelling man

Going away

Do you have your -

Valise? Don't need one no more
Tickets? Never even thought of 'em
Money? Can't buy nothin' where I'm headed
Passport? Nope, customs are over

Do you have my -

Love? It will never end
Respect? Only the greatest my friend
Honor? For you there's nothing else
Trust? There is a never ending supply

Do we have -

One another? Until your dieing day
Friendship? Yes, tight, tight, bonds
Forever? No, forever cannot stay
Memories? They'll never go away

Award

Millions of Pennies just received its first award courtesy of my first blog buddy Med Student Wife from Another day in Paradise. Thank you very much MSW, as you yourself would say "this is kwel!"